Disco Dreaming

Context: Wednesday seen a quiet couple of pints with my couchsurfers turn into a major hotbox and drinking marathon (minus couchsrufers who had bailed early), with us leaving the pub only to return in the small hours to restock on beer and for some slammers. This behaviour is not normally supported in Inverness (what with the midnight curfew) but since most of my companions worked at the bar some after hour drinks were encouraged. 5am comes round and finds me scaling the seafood restraunts topdeck to place a Tweenies Scooter on their mast, giggling I quietly let myself into the boat and promptly passed out on the bed. Woke early to ensure my couchsurfers were fed and watered before seeing them safely on their way, then it was into work for an impossibly long day of colouring things in.

Thursday night I struggled through the truly awful snakes on a plane film, superglued my fingers again in the pursuit of a glowing scottish manpurse and finally slipped into bed at the unbelievable time of 9pm. Before slipping into the land of nod I wandered how hard it would be to create a lit up disco dancefloor. The whole night and I mean the WHOLE night I was filled with half lucid ponderings on the different lighting options and the practicality of each.11.30pm - LED's are gonna be to complex and not robust enough

2am - Elwire bright enough and sequence easily differetn colours

3am - Need something to diffuse the light, frosted perspex or wax paper

3.30am - Line individual cells in tinfoil

4.30am - Elwire is going to be too expensive

5am - Rope light possibility so long as use both sets of white rope light with blink function for spiral pattern covering every cell. Multi-coloured rope lights to ring exterior cells only and be used for dormant phase. Outside framing to use red rope light for safety and extra blink.

6.15am - Constructing a 10ft x 10ft frame split into 2ft x 2ft squares, whilst small is feasible in demands on resources and means it can be used inside or outside.

8am - Drag ass into shower and assemble all these has formed thoughts into a feasible plan, run through exisitng supplies and what will need to get.

My current rope lights supplies should be sufficient for the job, I have a couple hundred feet of red and white and some multicoloured which doesn't flash. I just need to source some wax paper, different coloured acetates, reams of tinfoil, a sheet of perspex (or other suitable flooring) and 150ft of 2x2's. All this can be assembled and flat packed making it easy to transport, the perspex would be in onesheet if possible, if not split in half.

OK now is this just me or could this be feasible?

Weekend Result

Well this weekend turned out to be one of the few solidly satisfactory weekends this year, all because of some last minute plans and a whole rake of going with the flow decisions. The naughty feeling that I should be shelving, playing with electronics and bilges instead of drinking, shopping and sight seeing was an added kicker. Resting a weary head on my pillow Sunday evening I realised it was a sense of contentment that blanketed the weekend, no wonder it took so long to identify, that feeling being a stranger to my life up North.

Friday
Took boat out with Ewan, fuelled her up, shat it doing a 360 full speed turn towards a rather expensive yatch and celebrated the safe return (thanks to Bob) with a few drinks on the foredeck in the glorious sunshine. Nights out in the Ness are enjoybale but rarely raise themselves above the bar, Friday night was the exception, bounced from pillar to post in full blinkie splendour with Isaac as wingman and ended the evening tearing up the dance floor in Madhatters. Spontaneous MC Hammer routines with strangers and Mighty Boosh improv's ("in with the claw") were my particular highlights. Playing wingman I ended up drinking tea at randoms till 5am discussing the relative merits of different blinkies and laying out my plans to decorate their house for their up and coming housewarming; I only hope I didn't get too carried away with my plans.

Saturday
Early morning burrow chat with Zooty and Zero led to an inspired dash to the office to hammer out some hours online to organise things this end. Quickly shot down when realised the internet was down for Inverness, apparently due to digger action on the line (AGAIN!). Not to be put off I rocked into town and rolled though the town on a charity shop mission, tunes blaring down my ear canal putting a spring in my step as I doffed my new hat to passerbys. So on the list of purchases was a muppet show duvet cover, the ugliest foam flares int he world, an old mans hat, a new fur coat (to be named) and a new smoking jacket. Field tested the new jacket at Hoots that evening, not the same impact as Isaac but found out this morning it did put off someone from work talking to me, so its not all bad.

Sunday
Eventually left the cave to take a trip round Loch Ness to capitalise on the still fucking amazing weather, share disappointment in the lack of icecreams available, especially after walking the million steps to check out the waterfall at Foyers. Was thrown into shocked disbelief as on the smallest and most convoluted road I was forced into the layby by a tourist coach, what the hell was that behemouth doing on the road, wrong turn me thinks, good luck with those corners fella. A pleasant evening eating leftovers and throwing scraps to the ducks rounded off the weekend in true Sunday fashion.

Random Musings

TECHNOLOGY - So it would appear that the scourge that is mobile phone camera's has now gained an ally in the form of a link straight to your blog. The photo can be taken and sent out into the world wide web within a matter of minutes, this is dangerous technology to fall into the hands of the stoned, pissed, vengeful and incompetent. You have been warned.

KITES - LIDL kites, whilst value for money do not appreciate 60mph winds on sand blasted Scottish beaches, they frown upon that. You can expect individual line failure (casuing a deat spiral), double line failure (causing a sprint down the beach) and some extremely agressive kite behaviour. When Muffin and Turtle legged it in terror after they launched the kite the first time I thought it a bit dramatic, however after I launched it and it flew straight into my head I realised it wasn't dramatic behaviour, just prudent.

NUMB - Paddling in the North Sea can be fun but only once can no longer feel anything from the knee down and the searing cold no longer becomes the focus of your entire being. When running to the sea from the dry sand where you have safely deposited your shoes, pace yourself it can be deceptively far away, stopping for a breather really ruins your care free baywatch style dash.

LEITH - I remember returning home to Leith after a party at Peppers to find myself locked out of my flat, trying to kill time till the service button kicked in 6am I wandered Leith Walk still in full Crow costume garb and using my Burning Man fur jacket for warmth. Anywhere else this may have raised an eyebrow, but in Leith no-one gives a shit especially the sales assistants in the 24 hour shops, they have seen worse trust me. I miss Leith.

BEIGE - I am no longer talking to the colour beige and am seeking to have it removed from the colour spectruum, with extreme predjudice. The conflict started around what beige has done to the interior of my boat and ended with beige insulting my mum. I will not stand for this so at the first possibly opportunity he will be getting taken round the back for a swift and final kicking. With beige gone from the world it will open the door for more enthusiastic and polite colours.

YUM YUMS - I love greggs yum yums, this is not anything I can explain rationally. You can tell me how to make them, what goes into one, where you think there is a better yum yum supplier but to me it has to be greggs. Interesting point to note it that they do not travel well, just like Guiness and therfore must be eaten within 3 hours of purchase.

PILLOWS RULE- When in bed I am only truly content when I have the most pillows in the room, I twitch more when the number of pillows falls below a critical level. A room filled with just different sized, textured, and coloured pillows would be perfect, pillows that glow in the dark, tell time, vibrate, heat, cool and you can store things would be nirvana.

FAITHLESS - Calvin Harris the Faithless support sucks balls, it was a tough gig because well no-one really gave a shit about them. Faithless open with Insomnia and the crowd instantly react with our usual Scottish intensity, best gig I have been to in an age, certainly better than the last time I witnessed Faithless and I had to get taken to hospital and my nose cauterised.

ELWIRE - Whilst el-wire makes you easily identifiable from a distance at a gig, a definitie benefit in a standing crowd of 15000, people also know you are unlikely to be a cop and so I was averaging a drug enquiry every 8 minutes; some people really take the hump when you say no ("Fit do ya mean you dinna, your glowin' in the dark fir christ sake, ye must!"). It is amazingly helpful in negotiating crowds, they look at the blink, smile and by that time you are past them onto the next group.

A New Fear

Weather is wild, boat is swaying gently and the soldering iron is cooling off nicely after a considerable session on the el-wire ready for this weekends Faithless adventure. Its late, I have an early start so I hit the sack to garner what few hours of sleep I can. Approximately 5.30am I shoot straight into wild eyed alertness as there is a sound of clawing on the side of the boat just behind my head. Clawing, holy fuck.

First Thought: Holy fuck its rats trying to board, they are swiming up the side and seeking a weak spot to gain entrance. So I quickly catalog all loose mooring ropes and any other means they may be able to board the boat. Once on board how could they get in. Didn't think they would try the exhausts or water outlets (if they did then I could easily flush or smoke them out so no worries there) but the bathroom window was open and if they could jump then there was a chance. In the bathroom they could easily crawl behind the shower ( not installed the plinthe yet under the basin unit) and through the gap into my bed at exactly where my head was. As adrenilne started to flush its way into my feet and stir me into action I have me second thoughts.

Second Thought: What if a hedgehog had fallen in the canal and was seeking a way to climb out of the water, it clearly isn't a threat but it still requires some action on my part. If I didn't go and fish it out then Zooty would have my hide but before I did anything as precipitous as removing myself from my wonderful (and cosy) nest lets try some third thoughts and actually listen to the sounds.

Third Thoughts: ITS THOSE BASTARDING DUCKS! They are eating the green stuff off the side of the boat which in other circumstances I would be well up for, but not at 5.30am. Resigned to the nibbling noises and relieved it wasn't rats (rats invading my boat, theres a fear I never knew I had) I went back to gathering what little sleep I could.

Moral of this story, if you have a fear of rats invading your home whilst you sleep, its porbably best not to live on a boat. Finish what you start and then you can sleep safely. (Or more simply Ducks are bastards.

Dilema: 101 List Item- Be an extra in a film

On Tuesday night I was an extra in a music video for a number one Scottish band (Disclaimer, they are number one in Denmark apprently only) so does that count? I think it does because I got what I was hoping for out of the experience, seeing what goes on behind the scenes, laughing at the so called famous people and managing to get on screen for a nano second.

It was funny cause they were appealing to the younger demographic and all the actual fans (who tend to be older, dorky and smell) were herded to the back, whilst us vain wallflowers sporting kilts or cleavage were bunted to the front. Much merriment was gained from the camera man taking a shine to the girl next to me who kept trying to duck the camera whilst the girl that was all tits and teeth next to her attempted to elbow her way on screen. When the lead singer jumped into the crowd and approached me with the microphone to enjoy an impromptu sing a long I just burst out laughing as I had no idea what the chorus was. After the 15th repitition I became convinced he was screaming "Flash the Gash" so it is just as well I was safely out of camera range by then.

So even though they looked like a bunch of dads escaping their wifes and children for the evening, the fact that the lead singer got increasingly seshed and the filming became painfull near the end (not just because of the cowboy boots) a fun night was had and I managed it straight. There is some useless tosser who shakes a tamborine and bangs a big drum (both without any conviction or sense of rhythm) who is obviously still only there cause the rest of the band need someone to look down on, I managed to get his autograph for a friend of a friend and then snubbed the rest of the band. The look on their faces was worth it the dirty feeling I got over asking for an autograph.

101 Things to do in 1001 Days

Well I was baited into writing this list but found it extremely useful to sit down and actually think about what I would seriously (and not so seriously) like to achieve in the next 2.7 years. Try it!

- Start climbing again
- Construct the ultimate blinky/ elwire costume
- Enjoy what I have when I have it
- Learn moderation when it comes to alcohol
- Don't look into the eyes of others for reassurance I am not a dick, look into my own
- Get enough iron working skills so I can make my own sword
- Learn basic photography
- Write my book, then write it again spelling have properly
- Be more open with people
- Build my own Trebuchet

- Support my friends more in their musical endeavours
- Bring cowboy bootsinto fashion in Inverness
- Learn to read a analogue clock/ watch
- Expose the myth of cous cous
- Go on a decent First Aid course
- Sky Dive with a close friend
- Stop using humour to distract from actually saying stuff
- Build, beg, buy ot barter for a full set of armour
- Attend Glastonbury festival
- Dye my hair silver

- Travel the world and refrain from taking those idiotic pictures standing in front of shit
- Never be tempted into froliccing in a rowing boat again
- Execute a hoax/ stunt that makes it into the local paper
- Learn to cook a meal from scratch
- Rip it up at nowhere
- Build a tree house
- Think more with the big head
- Find, climb and name a new bouldering route after my niece
- Learn to play any instrument
- Get a piercing

- Finish this god damn fucking boat
- Shave off all my pubes
- Get a picture taken with celebrity and make bunny fingers behind there head
- Eat less junk food
- Learn to weld
- Hunt, Kill, cook an animal then make a hat from the skin
- Find a mating partner for Isaac
- Develop what makes me happy into a business so it makes me money
- Induldge in some threesome action, remember it in the morning
- Always, always put on shrink tube wrap before soldering
- Learn to drink Red wine

- Develop my survival skills to the point where I could surive if marooned on an island
- Do a Bungee Jump from a bridge
- Stop tauting gullible people with my made up answers
- Own a vintage aracade machine
- Shave my head
- Make my parents and myself proud of my life
- Be less cynical about the prospect of a happy ending
- Read the bible
- See arguments from the other persons perspective
- Host a successful dinner party on my boat
- Go snowboarding with my friends, do not use my surfboard with straps

- Streak some sporting event
- Rescue a duckling, house train it and teach it to fetch
- Inspire a song
- Find a dress that brings out my eyes
- Do what makes me happy, not what makes me money
- Learn to accept gifts without a sense of guilt
- Win a prize/ competition on the radio
- I am loud, learn to be quiet
- Understand what herbs are about and how to use them
- Learn to walk on my hands

- Be an extra in a film
- Swear less, stop using the sailor angle as an excuse
- Get up in the mornings after a maximum of 3 snoozes
- Find the balance between contement and stagnation
- Spread the word of elwire far and wide
- Have sex in a hot air balloon
- Watch a boxset of 24 in one session without screaming at Kim Bauer
- Develop an enjoyment of olives
- Learn some classic dances
- Stage Dive

- Do the Inca trail, don't die
- Notice something new every day in the familiar world around me
- Own a wardrobe consisting of no less then 50% dress up clothes
- Never attend another pointless meeting again
- Tell the people I love that I do love them, when I am sober
- Learn the trainspotting intro
- Orchestrate the scrapping of the Inverness 12am curfew
- Grow a humourously shaped vegetable, then make a soup from it
- Blag my way into a festival
- Enhance my DIY skills so I can fit out boats single handedly

- Hold a workshop on surviving the zombie apoclapyse
- Learn that sarcasm is not always appropriate
- Make more effort to visit friends further a field
- Accept compliments from those close to me without cringing or shying away
- Suprise a ninja
- Make my own cocktail that doesn't taste like wank
- Its alright to fail, its unacceptable to not even try for fear of failing
- Find someone I want to spend the rest of my life with, realise that before its too late
- Witness a tornado
- Learn to sew, super glue is not a suitable seamstressing tool

- Correspond with a different distant friend every week
- Design and ink some of my own tattoo
- Do something that scares me every month
- Own enough lego to fill a 2 person bath
- Build a small boat from scratch, with natural materials I have collected
- Live in a city abroad, England is not abroad
- Actually join a gym and use it more than once
- Learn when to stop drinking before the tiger face emerges
- Tick no less than 2 items off this list every month

Bump in the Night

I have to admit this one had me last night, my knowledge of the local background noises that envelope the boat whilst I am heading to the land of nod is considerable. I can usually identify the sound, locate the source and dismiss it out of hand within a couple of seconds. Last night at around 4am a whole new acoustic barrage started:

"baaaaahhhhhggggooooiiiiiiinnnngggggg" or imagine a drained old fashioned radiator hung up on chains and hit with a little cobblers hammer in repeated but irregular intervals.

Stalking the boat for the source of the noise I discounted all possible internal sources and was faced with a daunting patrol in the cold and pishing rain to annihilate the annoying sound, sleep would evade me till I had. Standing in a big pink furry jacket, cowboy boots and boxer shorts I was reminded how little Northern Scotland is like to Northen Spain.

No obvious flotsam was visible but a small black object was just visible near the tiller, bobbing in time with the wind and rain. The absolute bastard, there it was the hiding in the shadows where it could cause most disturbance clanging off the tiller sending the sound through the whole hull. That sorted I returned to the nest satisfied, pondering how I could mount it so that it would act as a warning to all future disturbances.

Monastic Life

So a month of monastic living started on Monday to see if I can handle my life without certain small vices; I started the month experiement early cause I have Faithless at the end of next month and no way I am hitting them straight.

March shall me struggling through without the pleasures of alcohol, nicotine, other intoxicants, caffine, junk food and mindless socialising. Already the cravings have started but its all about control so I just beat them back with my iron strong will (please note sarcasm) and know that no vice shall be the man of me.

The reculsive lifestyle is sorely testing me already, but with the lord (Jack Bauer and seasons 3-5 of 24) help and some MAJOR el-wire crafting I shall get through and come out the other end ready for a session of considerable quality. Plus I will be detoxed and have lost all my tolerances, so if anyone wants to take me out I will be about as cheap a date as you can get and easy as a virgin burner on their first trip.

Why I Hate the Dentist

We all dislike those gum poking bastards but this time they have gone too far. No its not just the usual excuse about that bone eroding noise of the drill in action, although that is far from pleasant. Shall I tell you why?

1) My childhood dentist did 2 extractions before the local had time to take hold, apprently it was a busy afternoon; so busy he couldn't wait the 5 fucking minutes it takes to numb mu mouyth. After the screaming stopped I was handed a paper tissue and booted out the door dripping blood the whole way.

2) With a fear of dentist firmly established I avoided them until I broke a tooth and there was no avoiding it. So I phone up to see about an NHS dentist only to be informed that my name can go on a waiting list for a dentist training college that is going to be built sometime in the next 3 years. Thanks but it might JUST need treating before that.

3) Get a swanky new dentist on the banks of the river ness who does extractions with ease, filings without trouble but cannot seem to master the whole anaesthetic things. If in doubt just pump the mouth full is her motto. So I returned to work this morning withthe entire side of my face numb. Left eye unable to close properly, nostril (my bloody nostril for godsake) started playing up and my mouth made me look like lopsided Stanely. Still it is done, my mouth is shining with metal and I don't ahve to go back for another 6 months. My fear of dentists has abated slighty.